I love every person I am blessed to know, even while being my most authentic self. Something I am coming to terms with more and more is that not everyone genuinely reciprocates that love and I am admittedly ok with that reality. Naturally, I have formed a number of thoughts on the topic over the years and it turns out that right now is the time to extend those ideas.
In theory, people don't know how to love because heartache teaches us all how to love incorrectly and every person likely has to go through the process of 'heal jargon'. The pain of heartache is often soo unbearable, we can't help but come up with creative ways to 'start over'. In the start of the relationship you tell yourself, "this person is different and won't cheat, abuse, lie on, or mistreat me" but often times it is our own misconceptios about love which leaves us in bit of a shallow mindset, just to get by. I have seen tons of strategies motivated by pain that hurt people do, to avoid authentic love. The dangerous process of protecting the heart have been narrowed down to the following 7 areas...no time for the 50 I originally had in mind:
1. The overt decision to 'never' love again by sleeping with any unhinged body part like a gardening tool ready for worship. People will even parade the 'new' body around the 'old' body. I personally lived through that one. . .barely.
2. The ole "Stay drunk and drugged" so that every intimate moment can feel authentic but the truth is. . .if you need to numb every moment you're with someone you say you love. . .you're actually camoflouging pain you can't get past. . . exercising a habit never destined to provide relief. It's therapy time.
3. The avoidance strategies to true intimacy like talking about everything in America accept the things which allows vulnerability of the soul. Picking fights/arguments in an effort to change subjects and devalue the main topics. I also find it strange when people just fall off the grid. They will tell you, "I was super busy" or "I did it to protect you from my horribleness"; Really? Notice how quickly people always think of you when the selfishness subsides and they need your presence to get through moments of civility. I just have to shake my head. . this is happening in marriages guys, how do you hit the 'ghost' move in a marriage? Or even make it to marriage? I think its because you haven't seen all the layers of a person prior to making him/her the only person to light that flame. Don't be more excited about the title of marriage than sustaining the longevity of the relationship. Make the wrong choice and you may be stuck with a dud. My question, 'If you are too afraid to show who you really are, how will you ever know if the person is loving you or the person you are pretending to be'? If you wear a mask for most of the relationship, when it finally falls off...the pain will not be a distant memory...this one is a fresh lesson BTW! Whew! Things like 'flossing noses down at others' and 'showboating' just to treat people as though they are mediocre are all signs of pain, awkwardness, and the lack of maturity vividly on display to any grown person alive, accept the one in the current tailspin.
4. What about the games people play to avoid having actual feelings? Like intentionally trying to make each other jealous. . .etc. Puppy love behavior is a total waste of time and energy. . . kids have more time and energy so let's leave it to them, shall we?
5. The devaluing of a woman or man simply from fear of things not working out is another sign of not knowing how to love. If you slid in the goods, something must have been good about it, even if it was fleeting! It is a sign of immaturity to degrade someone you laid with . . .also unnecessarily punishing another person for your pain and ego boosting, yet another time waster.
6. When the journey becomes too challenging and requires more transparency than is comforting, we look for other stimuli to comfort or stroke our egos like a flirt mode, side chick/dude, other lawns and 'grass greener' philosophies. The truth is, if you didn't have the capacity for person A, you are troubled to even attempt person B. . .but people ride those lies out til the wheels fall off; and at some point, they always do. I have to be clear that some people are in fact...nutbuckets so, there's that, which is not to be confused with the aforementioned.
7. Sabotaging your 'good thing' because somehow you have accepted unworthiness within the lack of proper value extended within previous relationships. . .tragic. A true mate who loves you authentically will not try to destroy self, you, or things, to love you. As a matter of fact, an abundance of consistency (even if its spontaneous), open communication, and love in your language is generally a healthy framework for what can be expected from a healthy relationship and anything else is a strong compromise you have to decide if its 'worth it for you. On the Own TV Series, Greenleaf (I grew up a Preacher's grandaughter....self-explanatory) this show is addressing various matters of relational abuse and one particular reference I'd like to make is the interaction between the teen characters and the suttle ways in which an innocent experience sets the tone for an abusive relationship. In the mind of the abuser, you inadvertantly somehow represent the thing which triggers a deeply rooted hurt or maybe by the time you show up, the pain is seemingly already a part of their personality...its the unaddressed pain that's embedded, and people YOU CANNOT FIX THIS PERSON!!! You will get hit with the world famous 'blame game'. The 'you made me do this'. The 'I promise I will never hit you again. . . I just love you soo much.' Authentic love DOES NOT feel like that! Next thing you know, you'll be taking hits for every thing that made a person angry since they were a child. Only therapy....years of it, can help a broken person stop breaking their pain off on you....male and female. Real talk. . I could write a book about these topics and I just might!
It's kind of sad when you think about it because these 7 are all strategies designed to protect the heart from break. What's even more crazy is that a person will completely drag you through all 7, get kicked to the curb, and then try to come back, profess some undying love, or the extensive testimony of growth. It never starts off as a decision to hurt someone but pain is the highest motivator of ignorant behavior. A heartbroken person is actually unstable until healed and fractured until rehab has happened to the soul. With that, how can you guarantee true love? You simply have to communicate honestly what you want and go for it with all your might with someone willing to do the same. . .full out, no holds barred, no games, just imperfect people willing to work hard with transparency toward something perfect for them.
So what is the best response to the friends who don't really celebrate you. . .your value, your wonderfulness? I have found that it's best to just pray and move on. I have honestly exhausted too many hours of my life on the approval, appreciation, and proverbial 'likes' of the next person for my own confidence booster and gratification. It wasn't until the 2nd time I tried to die that I was the only person who was ever going to be responsibe for my happiness and ulimately, my worth. At one point, I even sought out the friendship of someone KNOWING their goal was only to use me for who I knew or what I could do for them. Now I don't even bother myself with people who doubt my loyalty or can't roll with me as I am. I am a bossy, spiritual, beautiful, funny, intelligent, sexy, passionate, talented, charismatic, and powerful woman walking through the journey of empowerment to live out that reality everyday. People in general only have the capacity to offer you what they have. The bottomline is, if they don't have it, neither will you so you just have to make sure you know exactly what you're signing up for. With all that is within me, true love will find me and my good friends, if you are patient and done with the games with someone who is done too, it will find you as well. Stay woke. Stay pure. BeYoSelf #valueyourselfandothers, I'm Speak Res and as always, it's been real.